Times New Roadman’s alternative team of the season.

Salah doesn't feature, but Trent does. Enjoy it Reds.

Niall Gallagher, AKA timesnewroadman, is back again with his alternative team of the season. Salah doesn't feature, but Trent does. Enjoy it Reds. Into ‘em.

GK - Aaron Ramsdale

Addicted to getting relegated. Appeared on Monday Night Football as Saints shipped in four goals in one half v Spurs. Heritage.

RB - Ola Aina

If I had just lost a game in the Premier League and the opposition’s right back was doing viral piss taking public snapchats, my head would be on Mars. Generational piss boiler.

CB - Archie Gray

First season in the Prem. He’s about 15 and not a centre back however it didn’t stop Spurs, or me, playing him there. Should be doing Duke of Edinburgh, instead he’s being exploited by the Premier Leagues lax child labour laws.

CB - Wout Faes

Fundamentally he is just shit, but he’s also shit with silly hair. A rare combo.

LB - Myles Lewis-Skelly

He just comes across so unfazed by anything or anyone. Mugged off Erling Haaland and played at the Bernabeu, during the frankly weird ‘Remontada’, like he was a seasoned pro.

RM - Trent Alexander-Arnold

Playing him a bit further forward. Won everything possible with Liverpool and gets booed by his boyhood clubs fans. Genuinely believe he doesn’t give a toss though, soon be sipping Madri direct from source with best buddy Jude.

CM - Fede Valverde

Every time I go on Twitter on a Sunday night, there is a new video uploaded of him pinging the ball in from 450 yards against some despairing Spanish goalkeeper.

---

Niall’s a Bournemouth based painter who “comedically captures current trends as well as touching on more political occurrences, though always with a sarcastic yet light hearted twist.” You can shop his prints here after reading this, job’s a good’un.

---

CM - Declan Rice

Utter cringe merchant, proper convinced he has just made that accent up. Got to give it to ‘Deccers’ though, those 2 free-kicks against Madrid were pure filth. Deffo watches Baller League, mind.

LM - Daizen Maeda

Unfortunately you can’t give professional footballers the patronising ‘most improved player award’ (usually it’s reserved for the worst player on your side, who despite their better judgement continues to turn up to training every week). But if you could, Daizen would win it hands down.

---

Become an Un-Athletic Club Ultra. A paid subscriber. And help us produce more top tier content. Easy does it.

---

CAM - Cunha

In ten years time there will be lonely men making TikTok edits dubbing him ‘Streets wont forget’. To be fair, there is a strong Jay-Jay Okocha at Bolton vibe to him at Wolves.

ST - Chris Wood

I can’t explain it, but he looks like a shark. The list of uninspiring bleak English places he has played for reads like venues on a Dapper Laughs tour poster. Nice to see him finally find a home.

Manager - Russell Martin (To be replaced in December by Ivan Juric)

Sorry Oliver Glasner or Big Ange, but I am opting for the maverick genius behind trying to play total football with James Bree, Ryan Fraser and Flynn Downes. Russell Martin will obviously get this team firing. When he inevitably doesn’t, replace him with future Pointless answer and Croatian PE Teacher Ivan Juric.

On the bench…

GK - Andre Onana

Only reason he is not starting is because I picked him to start last year. Consistent fun for the neutral.

CB - Dan Burn

Scored for his boyhood club to help them win a trophy for the first time in 250 years.

FB - Denzel Dumfries

Quality full back, but does radiate doomed 60m transfer to Man United then subsequent loan to Galatasaray.

CM - Jonjo shelvey

Only bald man to come back from a spell in Turkey somehow more bald. Didn’t even realise he was at Burnley. However he’s just been released after only playing 11 minutes.

CM - Scott Mctominay

Responsible for Lorne sausage being imported into Naples. Iconic.

Winger: Xherdan Shaqiri

The ‘Alpine Messi’ went back to his first club, Basel, and won them the title for the first time in 8 years. Legend.

ST - Paul Onuachu

6 foot 7 and a bit shit in the air. Waste.